ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Hi, I'm Illyria Jones! Welcome to The Happy Phantom weblog. I once lived in a small town in Florida which I write about frequently in this space. The names have been changed, but the people and places are real. As a Philadelphia native who found herself to be a prisoner of inertia, I've decided to stop resisting and just go with the flow. Doesn't mean I don't get a little frustrated every now and then! Here's to better days, new beginnings, making friends, and a life less ordinary in Florida.
ABOUT
Ramblin' Daze
When I was in college, I rambled with some girls who listened to Tori Amos' Little Earthquakes album from morning to night. They were such lovely lasses, too!
The one track I liked best was "The Happy Phantom," about a she-ghost who haunted the places she had been when she lived in her mortal coil. I fell in love with the idea --a phantom has freedom to do and say anything she wants, regardless of convention.
And so here is my Happy Phantom blog, a place for the posting of whatever pleases the imagination. In fact, the more it flies in the face of all things conventional, the better! The happy phantom runs naked through the catholic schoolyard without her mask on. The happy phantom wears her naughties like a jewel.
And, I believe the Happy Phantom has every right to bitch.
THE PHANTOM PLAYERS
The following are names/aliases you may come across in daily posts.
Marvinsburg: a small, small town somewhere in Florida. Once a backdrop for the Happy Phantom blog, it is now the site where life lessons were learned, hearts were broken, and the good times rolled in on two wheels every April.
Illyria Jones: Yours truly, writer of The Happy Phantom blog, once was living in Marvinsburg, once was a teacher of writing, once worked for the Marvinsburg Mafia, and now has moved onto a better town, a better job, and better days.
Sparky: Local boss of the Marvinsburg Mafia. He traffics in high class transportation (wink wink!) He mongrams the cuffs of his own shirts while partaking of whiskey and water, though these days he favors the latter straight up with a whiskey back. Also a known eavesdropper and lover of a dirty limerick. once a friend to Illyria Jones.
Archie Artifact: Once Sparky's right-hand man and once Illyria's love interest, though she moved on to better days with better people. Not only is he a paleoenthusiast, he can also trace his roots back to Coronado. When not digging through neighbors' yards for fossils, he can be found at the local watering hole attempting to channel the Spanish explorers of his ancestral past through doubles of rum and water. Also, because of his penchant for home decor and acquiring obscure kitchen utensils that he never uses, he is sometimes known as the sixth man on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.
That Mainer Wes: A man from Maine named Wes. Also in the "Marvinsburg Mafia" and a royal pain.
Lucifer: Once Sparky's left-hand man--kinda like the "Christopher" of the Marvinsburg Mafia. Defender of all that is good, which includes sin. A Mormon in exile, he turned his back on the Church of Latter Day Saints when faced with the Mormon rite of passage for men called "Mission Work." Lucifer said "HELL NO!" to the proposal that he travel to Jakarta to convert the heathens armed only with minature green bibles. Little did he know that the reward for a completed Mission would be as many wives as he would like. Now his nights are filled with Hamburger Helper.
Lady Penelope: A talented author of the "Fat Jerry" blog and great friend to Illyria, despite the physical distance between the two. Also, a fabulous sinner.
Brian: Another wonderful friend to Illyria, a film expert, and the last of the Martini Pundits, a nearly extinct race in Marvinsburg.
Parker: Once ruled the tropics with Illyria and Lady Penelope as part of the Sloshed Triumvirate, dining on onion pizzas and playing rounds of Celebrity Bowl. Now works for The Man and dines on Chinee Takee Outee.
Phoenix: A bibliophile living in England. While avoiding real responsibility, he likes to bike, hike, and safari in Africa. In fact, the Toto song "I Bless the Rains Down in Africa" was based upon real events in Phoenix' life.
SPECTRE BLOGS
More Cowbell
Keeping the Faith (archives)
Denotsko
The Far Left Coast
Every Stretch of the Imagination
Princess Wild Cow
Srah Blah Blah
The Whiskey Bar
Crooked Timber
The Right to Remain Silent
Sasha Frere-Jones
The Synchronicity of Indeterminacy
2 Blowhards
Urban Semiotic
KimchiHead
No More Mister Nice Blog
PHANTOM PHAVORITES
Fametracker: The Farmer's Almanac of Celebrity Worth
Homestar Runner, for your weekly dose of Strongbad Email
Lyrics Freak, for when you want to practice your karaoke favorites
THE LATEST SURVEY
HAPPY PHANTOM OF THE WEEK
Francesca Lia Block
Author Francesca Lia Block is the renowned writer of groundbreaking "contemporary fairy tales with an edge." The daugher of a poet and a painter, Block's writing is influenced by the visual arts and dance, as well as authors Gabriel Garcia Marquez, Isabel Allende, and Hilda Doolittle. Her settings are usually the subcultures of Los Angeles where she grew up and currently resides.
While her works are usually marketed to adolescents, her novels and short stories attract the attention of all readers. My first exposure to Block was The Hanged Man. My officemate Cat left a copy on her desk, so I read it during my downtime. I was enchanted with how she used a Tarot reading to construct a novel about a young girl dealing with her father's death and sexual abuse. Her lush descriptions of LA create a haunting mood for this somber subject.
Aside from the poetic imagery which color her work, Block also draws on subtle writing devices of the masters, like listing objects as Charles Dickens often did. Check out this description of a house from the main character Laurel's point of view:
We live in a house with a tower. The man who it was a toymaker; he carved the faces over the fireplace and planted the vines that cover the walls and the oleander in the garden. It smells like cedar and eucalyptus, smoke and lavender in this house. There are things everywhere: books, shells, fossils, dried flowers, bird skulls, the antique wooden cherub, the miniature stone sphinx, ivory monkeys, the brass menorah, china dolls with little teeth, the ancient Roman tear vessel that came from a tomb -- that looks like a fossilized tear itself; the three bronze women stand erect. My father made them before I was born
It is such a simple paragraph, but it reveals much about Laurel's psyche. Block also draws upon her love of Roman and Greek mythology to rewrite fairy tales in Ecstasia, Primavera, and The Rose and the Beast. Her newest work, Necklace of Kisses comes out in less than a month. Because she mixes old world magic in modern day settings, Francesca Lia Block is the Happy Phantom of the Week!
PHANTOM QUOTE OF THE WEEK
"I accustomed myself to simple hallucination; I saw quite deliberately a mosque instead of a factory, a drummer's school conducted by angels, carriages on the highways of the sky, a salon at the bottom of a lake; monsters, mysteries, a vaudeville poster raising horrors before my eyes."
--Arthur Rimbaud
PHANTOM ANIMAL OF THE DAY
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My TickerFactory Birthday Counter
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Wednesday, August 10, 2005
Oh,
life has been difficult lately, and I haven't been posting regularly
because the neverending job search has taken precedence. Yesterday, I
dumbed down my resume and wrote a great cover letter about how I want
to be a mortgage shipper for a retirement community. I'm not really
sure what a mortgage shipper is, but I thought I could sort of get
enthused by it.
So, I've been
trying to conserve my pennies and live on the cheap without looking
like it. The other day I had a migraine and had to take some special
medicine for it. Well this special medicine always gives me bursts of
creative inspiration between the bursts of sheer pain. So I wrote my
own set of jokes. They all begin the same way (think of the "yo' mama"
series of jokes), but the answers . . . .while being funny are also
true, and therefore sad. So here it goes!
Illyria, how poor are you?
I'm soooooo poor, I have to buy generic brand nondairy powdered creamer to go in my generic brand powdered instant coffee.
Illyria, how poor are you?
I'm sooooo poor, I go to the bar on dollar beer night and drink water.
Illyria, how poor are you?
I'm soooooo poor, I do my laundry at the same time I go swimming in the complex pool.
Illyria, how poor are you?
I'm sooooo poor, I've been clipping coupons from the morning paper --my neighbor's morning paper.
Illyria, how poor are you?
I'm sooooo
poor, that even though I have a few Border's gift cards, I have to go
to the library to read a book. There are no Border's in Marvinsburg.
Illyria, how poor are you?
I'm sooooo poor, ditto with Barnes and Noble.
Illyria, how poor are you?
I'm sooooo
poor, that when I go to the library, I have to read the book in-house
because I haven't paid the fines from last month.
Illyria, how poor are you?
I'm sooooo poor, I don't even turn on my cellphone until after 9:00 pm.
Illyria, how poor are you?
I'm sooooo poor, I ignore all job ads that require postage via mail or local long distance charges via fax.
Illyria, how poor are you?
I'm sooooo poor, I've gone through all my hurricane food and water supply --from last year.
Illyria, how poor are you?
I'm sooooo poor, I blog browse all day out of sheer boredom.
Illyria, how poor are you?
I'm sooooo poor, I watch I Wanna Be a Hilton and cry out "Why can't that be me? Why! Why!"
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