The Happy Phantom

Monday, August 01, 2005

Sunday with Brad Pitt circa 1988

So yesterday I was flipping through all my twenty channels as per my usual schedule. After gazing at the garnets and amethyst crystals on "The Gem Show" --a regular feature of the Home Shopping Network (hey, pretty colors mollify me!)-- I switched to one of those weird side channels that broadcasts from another city that isn't in a 1,000 mile radius of mine and they were airing a little-known Brad Pitt movie called The Dark Side of the Sun.

It was a bit deceiving at first. The movie takes place in Yugoslavia circa 1988. It opens on a street scene of ethnic proportions: carnivalesque parades, mardi gras-esque costumes, folk-esque singing, and then --to contrast the sun-drenched landscape and colorful characters-- a stranger comes to town: a black-leather ensconced motorcyclist. And I mean completely covered in a custom-made black leather mask with lip covering, too! Not a bit of skin showing! But I recognized the voice as belonging to an Aniston-leaving, Jolie-loving actor.

I flipped to the TV Guide Channel for the title of this unfamiliar work: The Dark Side of the Sun, 1997.

1997?!?! No. Brad Pitt didn't skip off the set of Se7en and into the role of a photo-allergic motorcyclist who develops a crush on a talentless actress in Yugoslavia. So I had to check it out at IMDB and discovered that the backstory of the film was, quite frankly, more interesting than the film itself.

The film was made in 1988 in pre-war Yugoslavia, and that really was the sad part for me. The film had beautiful atmospheric sequences which didn't fit together with its hack plot of a young man who can't expose his skin to any light source for fear of blistering to death, but when he meets a girl, he decides to take his chances! But in a Shyamalan twist, she prefers "The Dark Rider" to Rick, the pale, good looking youth with ripped abs. Pssst! They're the same person! Can't you tell by the distinctive voice? Guess not.

The film was just completed before the outbreak of the civil war. At that point, the film was lost! It was made by a Slavic director and aside from the four leads, every character and "stuntment" (see credits) were from the region --all last names end in "-vic." So when not featuring the cheesiest of dialogue delivered like a Quarterpounder in the Drive-thru, the film is a tapestry of local color, highlighting the beautiful landscape and the richness of the people. Yugoslavia was my mother's favorite vacation destination when whe was a lass in Germany, and it's not difficult to see why. In that way, the movie is very sad and melancholy --it's not sad because of Brad Pitt's fatal rare disease or his father who constantly prays to medieval religious iconography that his son will be spared --the church scenes are beautiful --just turn down the volume, but not for the whole movie! The film, being low budget, uses classical music native to the region (but out of copyright!) to fill the soundvoid. In combination with the scenery, it is quite effective.

In 1997, the film reels were found and sent to the director who was able to edit it together. Being that Brad was quite popular at this point, the film was released --not re-released, because it was never released because the war was unleashed-- but it went straight to video. Or maybe just straight to cable because it's not listed in my sacred Leonard Maltin Guide to Video and DVD. But, The Dark Side of the Sun is indeed the first full-length film Brad Pitt ever made.

It got me thinking though about other films revolving around the "I have a fatal skin disease, but I am human on the inside" theme. I know that The Others featured the strange and rare photo-allergic children of Nicole Kidman. And then there is Mask with Eric Stoltz and Cher. Of course we could go back to The Elephant Man and the various Phantom of the Opera films. Any others, gentle readers?

Posted at 12:37 pm by IllyriaJones
Comments (3) Permalink

Sunday, July 31, 2005

Speaking of Joe Don Baker . . .

I made an arcane reference to Joe Don Baker on my previous post, and now I can't quite get The Don of B-movies out of my head. My first introduction to the illustrious actor known as Joe Don Baker was back in 1997 when a friend of mine brought over his copy of the Mystery Science Theater 3000 classic, Mitchell: a horrible B-movie starring Joe Don Baker along with Linda Evans as a mob prostitute with a knack for opening cans of Schlitz with her toes, and Merlin Olsen-- post-football career but pre-Little House on the Prairie and FTD Florist careers.

Click here for a summary of Mitchell

Mitchell was probably the best MST3K episode ever made (though I still reserve a special place in my heart for Pod People, from which I stole the line, "Morning comes to cheap white trash" --a sentiment I express often in Marvinsburg, but I digress). Maybe it's the self-repairing car Mitchell drives in those exciting chase scenes, maybe it's the ADD version of Harry Callahan that Joe Don Baker mimics, or maybe it's the song about Mitchell that is sung halfway through the movie --"Oh, that Mitchell!" like he's The Beaver or something. I don't know. I do know that MST3K didn't spare any snark when rattling off every joke about Mitchell's heavy drinking of Schlitz tallboys, pigging out on porkrinds, and running with a bulging gut that comes with both of those pasttimes. And Joe Don Baker pretty much declared a fatwa--Salman Rushdie style--on the boys at MST3K for making their funny little jokes.

But what I later discovered was that Mitchell was one of many movies starring Joe Don Baker. (Well, does anything really star Joe Don Baker? No more so than they star Martin Sheen's brother Joe Estevez I guess!)

So really my introduction to Joe Don Baker started when I watched and was traumatized by Cool Hand Luke as a kid, and later made the Saturday afternoon B-movie circuit with To Kill a Cop, Eischied, The Abduction of Kari Swenson, Complex of Dirt, Fletch, Final Justice, and Criminal Law. In all of these TV or straight-to-video movies (except Fletch of course!) he plays lawmen, both good, bad, or most often just plain old ineffectual. He'll even be in the upcoming Dukes of Hazzard County, but I will most likely be sick that day. He'll play the governor, a politician. But he did play Senator Joe McCarthy in Citizen Cohn (get it?--like Citizen Kane, except the polar opposite in quality?) and he played a State Rep in The Commission. He was also in a few James Bond films, but it was the Dalton/Brosnan years and they kinda suck. A lot. I even own a Joe Don Baker VHS tape: Reality Bites, but I can't tell you who he is and I can't really be bothered to rewatch a Winona Ryder flick. She bites. And steals.

So that's the story on Joe Don "pass the porkrinds" Baker! Maybe tomorrow I'll tell you about the 135 movies "starring" Joe Estevez.

Posted at 03:09 pm by IllyriaJones
Comments (3) Permalink

Friday, July 29, 2005

All Good Things Must Come to an End

Things that came to an end for me today:

My fabulous New York City vacation
My nonlease lease
The mistaken notion that Mitch Hedberg was still alive and well and would one day make it big and I would say, "yeah, I saw him when he was opening for Lewis Black and now he has his own NBC series called Mitchell and Mitchell,, costarring Joe Don Baker." RIP, Mitch.
Eating lots and lots of chocolate sweets.
Drinking lots and lots of alcohol.
The idea that I had enough money to make it through the summer. Laughable, in retrospect.
The silly notion that my car would last another year. Absurd, in retrospect.
All delusions of grandeur.
All delusions of having a self-sustaining life.
Love.

Yeah, that pretty much sums it up. TGIF!

Posted at 12:02 pm by IllyriaJones
Comments (8) Permalink

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

A Censored Version of In Defense of Defending Myself

This post has been edited to protect the innocent. I don't often agree to censorship, but the things we do for like! (Yeah, like. What, did you think it would say love?)

Last Thursday, ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Fox news was on in -----------------------------------. Of course, the latest discoveries in the London bombing's investigation was pretty much the bulk of their coverage. I noted, though, how they were using suggestive headlines, for example: "Bomber Trained in US?" This was in relation to a suspect that investigators had arrested in Europe who may have been involved in the bombings. I guess at one point he was in the US, so Fox News uses a headline with the almighty question mark --the liability loophole-- to suggest he learned all his bombing know-how on U.S. soil, probably at one of our mega institutions of higher learning. At least, this is the impression they wanted to create, and it works.

-----------------------------------------. I know ------- Our Mutual Friend is -------------------- is a Diehard Fox News Dubya Republican which is far different from a Republican Republican, say like John McCain or Bob Dole. Heck, Dubya makes Nixon look like a "bleeding heart liberal." Well, being a part of the higher education world, I felt compelled to say something. I "reminded" him that there were bombers and suicide bombers all over the world in many many many countries that we don't hear about on say, Fox News, or ABC/NBC/CBS for that matter. And they didn't all go to American schools. I said that last year, we had 200 bombings worldwide. This year we have had 500 just in Iraq. But I don't think OMF was listening to me, but I added that a number of Americans bomb other Americans, too: Oklahoma City, abortion clininc bombings and shootings --these are acts of terrorism, too. Domestic terrorism.

But what OMF really said that got my ire up is how we should go over to the Middle East and "just bomb them and kill them all." And ------------------ it's a common view in these parts, so I'm not just critiquing one person here, but everyone who has this view..

Silence is concensus. In the face of intolerance, I cannot remain silent, as both a patriot and --dare I say it-- a Christian. In retrospect, I realize that throwing facts and figures, political theory, history lessons, and basic argumentative logic at OMF was useless. OMF has a bumpersticker that-------------------------------. Hey, it's a legitimate viewpoint. But when you advertise it, you are initiating a conversation, and you might not like the conversant's viewpoint, but there it is, you started the dialogue, so accept it like a mature adult. Realizing that OMF must be a pretty strong Christian for vocalizing his views on--------------------------------, I should have just responded to his calls for basically genocide with one simple statement: "Jesus was a Semite. Would you want to exterminate Jesus?"

Of course that might have been asking for more than I could handle ---------------. So I stuck to the facts and a critique of Fox News propaganda-like practices. ------------------- Karl------ OMF voiced his views of--------------------------------- on it. OMF's views were something like "If you ---- don't like this country, why don't you leave?" This was repeated several times.

I get really ticked off when people accuse me of not being a patriot. Almost as ticked off when people think exterminating a geographical region is a viable option. But as a woman, if you express a political opinion with even half the vigor of how those two statements were delivered, you are a bitch. ---------------, when he is in a blue mood, will criticize me for expressing political opinions to -------------------. It's the one thing about the ------------------- that disturbs me the most: the view of women as ----------------------------------------. Why are they always trying to censor us? ---------------------------------.

Anyway, -------------------------------------------------------.

OPEN LETTER TO Our Mutual Friend (which, by the way, is a Dickens reference!):

Dear Our Mutual Friend --(a codename for everyone who detests my political view, not just one specific person --really, I don't have any specific person in mind. Honest! I'm just so sick of hearing this yadda yadda crap crap from everybody, so I thought I would respond to it --not attacking any one person!),

Do you know what patriotism is? "Patriotism" is defined as the devoted love, support, and defense of one's country. George Washington had it. FDR had it. Eisenhower had it. Churchhill had it. Hitler had it, too. Afterall, "patriot" is derived from the Greek word "patris", meaning one's fatherland or Vaterland. My point is that patriotism isn't uniquely American, and terms like "devoted love" have a range of subjective meanings depending on your viewpoint. Same with "support" and "defense." Now, OMF, I know you probably think that I don't support defending our country after it was attacked by Ira-- I mean, Saddam Hu-- no, wait, who attacked us? Oh right, Osama bin Laden. Well, you are wrong. I do believe we should defend ourselves from terrorism and go after bin Laden, so why didn't we go after the man responsible for killing our beloved countrymen? Why did we allow for an influx of terrorism in a country by destabilizing its borders?

Oh, I could go on about how Saddam was secular and Bin Laden fundamentalist, about the differences in Shiite and Sunni muslim sects, about the Iraq-Iran war and the Russo-Afghanistan war, about how our government policies allowed for the supply of American weapons to both Saddam and Bin Laden ---but these are the things that you don't give a rat's ass about. Why? Is it just easier to say "bomb them all'? Interesting that you would make distinctions among the European nations, but the Middle Eastern nations are just all lumped together for you. Maybe because they don't act or talk like you? Dress like you? Look like you? Isn't that what is really informing your "bomb them all" view? Otherwise, how would you explain such an intolerant, unchristian approach to the killing of mothers, fathers, sons, and daughters? Just why are they so dehumanized for you?

Anyway, OMF, I am very much a patriot, but I'm not a nationalist zealot. I don't believe the current administration is serving in the best interests of all members of this country. Hey, OMF, didn't you feel that way about Clinton? Didn't you rail against Clinton for eight long years? Did anyone tell you if you don't like it, then leave the country? I really doubt it, but you see the parallel? I'm critiquing the administration --not the country-- just like you did for eight years.

So don't ever question my patriotism again. I keep a copy of The Constitution by my computer, and have been known to reread The Federalist Papers often --can't get enought of Jay, Madison, and Hamilton. I'm from Philadelphia and always visit Carpenters's Hall and Betsy Ross' House with every visit home. When I visit the monuments and federal buildings in Washington D.C., I get teary-eyed. And by heart I can recite to you the quote by Thomas Jefferson written around the rotunda of his memorial: "I have sworn upon the altar of God eternal hostility against every form of tyranny over the mind of man." I really do believe Fox News constitutes that tyranny. I also believe lying to people about the reasons for attacking a sovreign nation also constitutes tyranny. I believe that the work of our founding fathers --even if they were rich white guys who didn't want to pay their taxes-- was still an awesome achievement that has thus far been wildly successful. But the tyranny they fought against is being recreated within our administration. And when fellow countrymen, such as yourself, view me as a "political dissident" who should be exiled to Europe, perhaps we have come full circle.

Well, Our Mutual Friend, I am sure you have stopped reading by now. Perhaps you are seeing red. Good! It's the color of communism! (I kid, I kid!) I leave you then with two more quotes from a fellow Republican. Here's a proclamation from Theodore Roosevelt on the color of patriotism: "To announce that there must be no criticism of the president, or that we are to stand by the president, right or wrong, is not only unpatriotic and servile, but is morally treasonable to the American people." What do you think about that, OMF? Agree? TR also said "The things that will destroy America are prosperity at any price, peace at any price, safety first instead of duty first, the love of soft living and the get rich quick theory of life." And you should have heard his take on corporations!--how clairvoyant! Yes, TR wouldn't be a Fox News Dubya Republican! But in all seriousness, Our Mutual Friend, really think about those quotes. And click on the link for TR's speech on "New Nationalism." It's one of my favorite presidential speeches of all time. What's yours?

Regards,

The one you call "Wussy," "Bleeding Heart Liberal," "Damn Democrat," "Pinko Commie Feminazi Skank," "GD Democrat," "Tree hugging Liberal," "MF GD Democrat," "MF GD SOB Democrat," and "Sweetie Pie."

Posted at 12:59 pm by IllyriaJones
Comments (3) Permalink

Monday, July 18, 2005

This Marvinsburg Life

Okay, so I've been on blogging hiatus. So sorry, but it's likely to happen again, like real soon, so I'll try to post as much as I can while I can.

Frankly, I've been down. A little disappointed in Marvinsburg. A little dazed and confused with some of the Marvinsburg folk. They're a moody lot, no doubt, and I'm sensitive, so when someone talks AT me instead of TO me, when someone accuses me of snobbery in one breath and then of over-friendliness in the next, when someone makes an offer of assistance and then doesn't show, when someone would rather be alone instead of with me, well, I take it a little hard. So my feelings are all ajumbled and I don't know what to think, do, or feel. Except I usually don't feel well, you know? It's like that scene in Rushmore when Max Fischer runs into Herman Blume in the hospital while visiting the head master, and Bill Murray as Blume is all disheveled, hair uncombed, shirttail sticking out, smoking two stubby cigarettes at once, pouring some whiskey in his can of Coke and then hiding the empty bottle under some hospital linens . . . and Max asks "How have you been?" In perfect deadpan, Blume answers with a casual shrug, "I'm a little lonely these days."

So, in my Herman Blume moment, I decided to hang at The Hamhock Tavern last night. Some people think I shouldn't or couldn't or wouldn't --that I'm too snobby to go there or too shy. Well, fuck em. I can do whatever I feel like doing and I felt like hangin' at the Hock, so how do you like my snobbiness now?

There are only four bars in all of Marvinsburg and no Starbucks, so really, what can a girl do? The Redneck Hut is a little empty on a Sunday and a little boring. The Missed Street Taphouse is actually closed Sunday thru Tuesday, and Wile E. Coyote's Saloon is a little too far away. It's also a meat market and a bit too sawdusty. They have a mechanical bull in there, for Pete's sake. Going there, I half-suspect I'll run into Bud and Sissy. So The Hamhock with its Sunday night karaoke is it. Also, you can smoke in there, unlike The Redneck, and I wanted to smoke. I don't normally --just on especially disappointing occassions, OR when in New York City --a 'do as the Romans' philosophy there.

So I sallied up to the bar and plopped myself down in one of those synthetic leather bar seats that you typically would see in a 1970s hotel bar. The horseshoe bar itself has the synthetic leather padding all around the edge, which is perfect for me who likes to rest her chin on her palms and her elbows on the bar. And I was definitely in a head-in-hands mood. Bars aren't always about finding the fun and surrounding yourself with pseudo-friends. It's not always about getting drunk and having empty laughs. No, I wanted an anaesthesia of a different sort. I didn't want to escape into temporary happiness or the illusion thereof. I was actually there to feel the real. Immerse myself in it. Sink into an atmosphere to give legitimacy to my feelings. I just wanted to nurse a MillerLite and smoke on some cigarettes. Sometimes, you go to a crowded place to be alone, and that's what I did. It's called solace. Solace. A rarely understood explanation of actions.

The problem with Marvinsburg is you are rarely alone. So as soon as I sat down, soaked in the environment a bit, got the bar matron's attention, someone else had already bought my beer. Being a polite person, I didn't refuse. Being a poor person, I didn't refuse either. Hey, I got my beer and I got my cigarette. I should be content. But now I had to tell a story, which is effort. But sometimes to achieve solace, you have to work at it.

What's your story send it over to me
I'll take a look and see what there is to see
At least jot a few things down
Anything to let me know I'm in your head
And not on the ground
With the cigarette butts
From the mouths of all those little sluts who want me
I'm lying here with the negative thoughts running my brain
Over again look where I've been, feel me try, feel the sky
Feel that your able
To do what it is you need to when

Brad bought all three of my beers last night, and I kinda wondered why I didn't go to The Hock more by myself. Parker once said that a woman who goes alone to a bar will always have her drinks bought for her. Well, Parker isn't always right. College bars and hoity-toity bars present more of a challenge to the average-looking woman, but the dive bar has its advantages, namely people looking for solace. To be alone with somebody. Though, to be fair, the night before I went to The Missed Street Taphouse, the classy joint in Marvinsburg which is also just a few blocks down the street, and I ordered a few Greygoose martinis, one of which the loadbearing bar matron bought. Let me tell you, lonely folks, there is nothing like being dressed up, sitting at the bar, and ordering a vodka martini with lots of olives. That is a solace moment, like Dave Matthews video for "Crazy" without the love and jazzy sap. You're lonely, but you are content in that lonliness, like an Angela Carter short story, trying to subdue an environment into a projection of your own growing pains: The most difficult performance in the world is, acting naturally, isn't it? Everything else is artful."

So Brad, a man traveling through town with his cat "B.B." (short for Black Beauty) had been at the bar since eleven in the morning. It was nearly eleven in the P.M. He was alright. Not too talky --just spurts of conversations. I like that fragmented pace better than the endless questions or stupid jokes. Sometimes he droned on a bit about his past lives, but give a man a break --he was at the bar for twelve hours. He even used the local bar currency of green poker chips, so I didn't feel bad about letting him buy a few two-dollar beers.

Brad was from Oregon, but he looked at home at The Hamhock. A little too well-groomed, true, but comfortable. Again, twelve hours of drinking might have helped achieve that effect. He had a couple of kids in their early twenties who were raised by their mother who found God in that new fundamentalist way. The son wants to go to Pat Robertson's law school. Brad seemed terribly disappointed about this -- and not about the law school part. Brad once owned a peach orchard called Peachey-O. He was in several contruction unions and proud of it. He owned Arabian horses and a horse ranch. He now owns a couple of lorries and seems equally proud of this business, though he is on the road a lot. He is his own boss and likes it. If I mentioned a state or city that I had lived in or visited, he had been there, too. He remembered places by the cargo he delivered: apples for Philadelphia, waterlilly bulbs for Virginia, meat products for Tennessee, and peaches for Washington and California. He stays in locations where he can park the big rig, and Marvinsburg is one of those places. He even keeps his new diesel truck in our little town. At that moment, it was idling in the parking lot, keeping B.B. cool as she slept. But what I really liked about Brad? He began a sentence or two with the phrase, "One of my fiances . . . blah blah blah." You don't hear that everyday.

I don't think Brad liked the karaoke as much as I did. Renee, the redhead beside me who let me borrow her lighter, came to The Hock for the karaoke, but she only sang one ballad. She stayed a long time, seemingly by herself, sitting and staring at the novice singers. She seemed nice, but a bit sullen and I guess like me, she wanted to be lonely in a crowd.

At one point, a bonde curly-locked man yelled my way:"Girl in green, where are you from?" Thankfully, I remembered I was wearing some old thriftstore green t-shirt I had picked up the day before. Philadelphia, I said. He responded that by the way I held my cigarette he thought I was from Europe. Impressed, I said I learned how to smoke in Europe. "You went to school there?" "Yeah." "Good, because girls who are from Europe tend to be spitters, not swallowers." Oh, he had a big old laugh at that one. But that really is the conversation I have reluctantly become accustomed to. They think that's how everyone who is "cool" or "successful" speaks. Not true. People who are truly comfortable in their skin don't have to rely on an endless resuscitation of single entendres. This is when I saw how intuitive Brad was.

Boss Sparky actually came up in our conversation. Brad remembered Sparky from the Redneck Bar. He remembered Sparky for being the bigwhig with his scotch and monogrammed cuffed shirts. I have to say, the impression Sparky first gives may impress the locals, but not the Yanks. We've seen it ALL before, and I say just be yourself. Maybe some people don't know what that is, maybe some are finding it, maybe you know it, maybe you don't. But Brad wasn't criticizing Sparky --not at all, for he knew he was definitely an alright guy. Some people only see one thing or the other, and forget about the range of grays in between. And then I started thinking about my own situation again.

Is it already a quarter to ten?
How can I drag my body from this bed again
When I feel so heavy from the weight of nothing
It's not about you as I said
Now it's a quarter to two, another night run through
Without connecting
To anything

We move a mile a minute
Just to keep ourselves in it
Now I think we've come to far not to win it
What is it?
If I wasn't here all of this shit would just go on anyway
If you weren't here
Everything would just go on anyway
That's what you learn
Why do you stay
When this city life is dragging us down

Did I find what I was looking for last night? Sadly, no, but I discovered other things. I discovered that I'm not a snob and if someone says I am they are covering up some insecurity in themselves which probably has very little to do with me or snobbery. I found that people really don't care if I'm sitting at The Hock by myself. It's not dangerous, it's not dirty, it's not a public spectacle, and people comfortably ignore you as much as they comfortably say hello to you.

And I got that old familiar feeling again: Eli's Coming

Posted at 01:23 pm by IllyriaJones
Comment (1) Permalink

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Warning: This Post Could Cause Drowsiness

Okay, so last night I saw The Decemberists on the Conan O'Brien Show. I have to agree with Lady Penelope, they didn't sound so great live. The instrumentation was good -- I loved the piano, cello, and violin -- they sounded great. But its the lead vocals of Colin Meloy which sound better with a little production work. Still, their latest album, Picaresque, is their best, most unified work with some very good -- nay, even catchy-- tracks, such as "Engine Driver," "We Both Go Down Together," and "16 Military Wives." I'll probably make them Happy Phantom of the Week soon. Speaking of which . . .

I have added some new links of various interests, so check them out. Also, there is a new Happy Phantom of the Week and a new Phantom Quote of the Week. If you have any comments regarding the links, Francesca Lia Block, or Arthur Rimbaud, post them here.

Slow day today. Just doing a lot of resumes and letters and filling out of online applications with those silly fields and check boxes . . . aargh! Why can't I just email these corporations with attached resumes? I'm tired of uploading and cutting and pasting. I'm clean! I have no viruses! Well, if no job turns up in Marvinsburg soon I might have to expand my search to include Marvinsville or Marvinstown or New Marv City or, ultimately, Marv Vegas --Boss Sparky, has a lot of associates out there who can pull a Fredo, so I'm sure it will be lucrative for me, too.

FIVE WAYS TO AVOID THE ONLINE JOB SEARCH:

Surf blogs
Bookmark blogs
Practice for karaoke night
Post to own blog
Comment on other blogs

Any other suggestions are warmly appreciated.

Posted at 01:43 pm by IllyriaJones
Comments (5) Permalink

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Smiley versus Karla

Karl Rove, how do you spell treason?

P-L-A-M-E.

More details here

For free thinking in a dirty glass on this whole saga, plus recaps on past White House press conferences regarding Rove, click on "The Whiskey Bar" under blog links to the right -->

Posted at 01:12 am by IllyriaJones
Comments (5) Permalink

Monday, July 11, 2005

Click It, Ticket, or Lick It!

Nothing says summer like a dog hanging his big old head out the window, ears flapping in the window, and a big grin on his jowls. Well, this might be a banished sight if some little eleven-year old kid in Green Tree, Pennsylvania gets his way.

Little Marc McCann entered local state representative Tom Stevenson's "There Ought to be a Law" Contest and won with his proposal to mandate safety belts on dogs. According to local news reports little Marc McCann was concerned that an unbelted dog might bolt from the car as it speeds along at 65 miles per hour: "I never did like dogs sticking their heads out the window," said the littlest McCann. "Maybe a sign might have been too close to the road and they'd get hit. Maybe they'd jump out the window on a highway."

I remember expressing the same fear myself when I was a young lass. But then I grew up and learned that dogs aren't really that stupid. They just like to hang their big dopey heads out the window. And then I lived on my own and adopted a dog and realized that if I didn't let the dog hang his head out the window, he might puke all over my plush polyester backseat.

Should we really let kids like Little Marc McCann make laws that affect the big people who will now have to shell out for his natural childhood fears? Representative Tom Stevenson says yes. According to the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review "The bill, submitted to the Transportation Committee in June, would make it illegal for drivers to let their pets stick their heads or other body parts out the window. It also would require pets to be restrained by methods that could include a pet seat-belt system, or a crate or carrier box."

A pet seat-belt system? Hmm, so this law might benefit those makers of pet products like HunterK9 who actually sell a pet-seat-belt system, but for the rest of us, well, Spot's dog days of summer are probably over. And it's not that I don't want to pay for my carrier box or seat-belt system. I just don't want Spot to be the victim of canine humiliation in the neighborhood. A seat belt? Geesh! That's worse than the big plastic cone collar.

And one last word about this "There Ought to Be a Law" contest: I'm all about training our youth like Little Marc McCann in the ways of civics. I'm glad that we are promoting political activism in our schools. Hooray! But do we really want little people making laws that big people have to pay for? I mean, Little Marc might feel differently about his law, say in eight years when he buys a golden retriever pup for his girlfriend. Or how about how this law will affect Dalmatians across the country who are used to riding unrestrained on firetrucks --particulary in parades? Hmm . . . does this mean there will be loopholes?

You know, these kind of innocent contests can lead to heaps of trouble. Check out what happened in California with the "Ought to Be a Law" contest to require a bitter agent be placed in antifreeze because some little kid found the toxic substance to be "yummy." Antifreeze pops! Yummy!

Posted at 10:47 am by IllyriaJones
Comments (12) Permalink

Sunday, July 10, 2005

The IMDB Walkabout

I was going to write about how Jackie Chan is blaming a prima donna Chris Tucker for holding up production on the widely anticipated Rush Hour 3 (though I missed 1 and 2, did you?), which brought to mind other difficult actors. I recalled that a friend of director Tom DiCillo told me how the asshole actor character played by James LeGros in his 1995 film Living in Oblivion was based upon a difficult Brad Pitt. So I went to the Internet Movie Database to research my post. What I discovered was something far more interesting and fun.

The research turned into an IMDB Walkabout, where I just kept linking from film title to actor's name to film title to director's name until I made about three circles. For some reason, I found the connections to be fascinating. I also compiled a great movie marathon list, too, for a rainy weekend. Let's start:

Living in Oblivion is a 1995 film by director Tom DiCillo about one day in the filming of an independent film. Steve Buscemi plays the director having an extremely bad day, Catherine Keener plays the leading lady, James LeGros the asshole leading man, Dermot Mulroney is the cinematographer, and Peter Dinklage plays Tito the dwarf in the dream sequence who storms off the set.

I started with Peter Dinklage, who was quite fantastic in The Station Agent, but following a trail with Patricia Clarkson didn't interest me. (Frankly, I never want to cross paths with Wendigo ever again!) So I decided to follow James LeGros, and here's where it gets interesting. I could have linked to Scotland, Pa., an excellent modern day adaption of Macbeth's tale, but facing Christopher Walken so early in the morning didn't appeal to me either. I also remembered that LeGros played Andy in Singles --you know, "Mr. Sensitive Ponytail Guy." Forgot about that. Anyway, I went with Lovely and Amazing. Now this Nicole Holofcener film from 2001 has THREE of Living in Oblivion's actors: James LeGros, Catherine Keener, and Dermot Mulroney, so it seemed like the logical choice.

Now my temptation was to go with Dermot Mulroney and the Payne brothers' film About Schmidt, but ending up with Jack Nicholson creeps me out more than Christopher Walken. Besides, it was my intention to keep the "Indie" theme going in this walkabout. So I took Catherine Keener to Being John Malkovich starring not just John Malkovich, which would have been a delectable path, no doubt, but also John Cusack. Here's where it gets layered. John Cusack was in this little independent film called Floundering in 1994. It actually starred JAMES LE GROS, but also had cameos by a bevvy of people: Exene Cervenka, Viggo Mortensen, Kim Wayans, Ethan Hawke, Billy Bob Thornton, Jeremy Piven, and STEVE BUSCEMI. Strange, huh?

But wait: here are the circles within circles from Floundering: John Cusack acted with Jeremy Piven in Serendipity, Runaway Jury, Gross Pointe Blank, The Grifters, and Say Anything. Here's another inner circle, and its the one I'm going with: Floundering also had Billy Bob Thornton who also starred in the Coen Brothers' The Man Who Wasn't There. This film also featured Scarlett Johansson who had starred a few years back in Daniel Clowes' Ghost World with STEVE BUSCEMI.

Now check out the alternative endings to this walkabout:

Ending A: The Man Who Wasn't There also featured Tony Shaloub, television's Monk. The director of Living in Oblivion, Tom DiCillo who did very little else, actually directed a season two episode of Monk.

Ending B: The Man Who Wasn't There, starred Billy Bob Thornton who was also in Jim Jarmusch's Dead Man starring Johnny Depp. But it also featured Steve Buscemi as an uncredited bartender. Now Jim Jarmusch has a brother named Tom who does very few films, but he had a part as a "driver" with Steve Buscemi in Living in Oblivion

Ending C: Do you have one? There are a few obvious connections, like James Gandolfini was in The Man Who Wasn't There and The Sopranos which featured Steve Buscemi in its last season, but I like to take the roads less traveled.

Posted at 01:44 pm by IllyriaJones
Comments (6) Permalink

Saturday, July 09, 2005

Out of the Foxhole

Do the Fox News anchors lack that part of the brain that is connected to their mouths??

Check out Media Matters for the full scoop, but I'll provide you with the following quotes from Brian Kilmeade and my favorite Brit Hume.

Brian Kilmeade regarding the London attacks' relationship to the G8 Summit: "I think that works to our advantage, in the Western world's advantage, for people to experience something like this together."

And then Brit Hume gives his fair, balanced, and first thought upon hearing about the London attacks: "I mean, my first thought when I heard -- just on a personal basis, when I heard there had been this attack and I saw the futures this morning, which were really in the tank, I thought, 'Hmmm, time to buy.'"

Brian, Brit --you make Jon Stewart's job that much easier.

My mother thanks you, my father thanks you, my sister thanks you, and I thank you.

Posted at 12:52 pm by IllyriaJones
Comments (5) Permalink